It’s February. We’re four days in.
When I was younger, time moved by slower than molasses in winter. The closer I get to forty—later this year—time seems to move faster than Superman on a mission to rescue Lois Lane.
January flew by. As did the past two years. So much of me thought I’d be further along in my journey to success. I thought I’d have a coveted book deal. While I’ve been offered two, they didn’t feel right. Have a grip on parenting, volunteering and homemaking. While I often make it look easy online, there are many nights I feel like an absolute failure at all three. Then, there are other nights that I question my choices to become a wife and mother.
I fell hard for my husband. I knew from the moment our eyes met at a party at Brown University that there was something special about him. We dated on and off for five years—mostly because we were in different states—and then decided to pursue something after 9-11.
Our marriage has had the challenges of most—learning how to live together, to be more selfless than selfish, to be our own selves while being one. We’ve had other challenges that I’m not quite ready to share. But, we’ve also had a lot of loving, supportive moments that absolutely take my breath away.
In my pursuit to walk in integrity—being whole and undivided, the second definition. I am working on having a genuine, unencumbered heart, not just for him, but for a successful marriage. For a long time, my heart wasn’t in the marriage. The ruminants of hurt and pain built a fortified wall around my heart. I was physically here but positively guarded, divided from the man I love and our marriage.I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. - Ezekiel 36:26 Click To Tweet
I came into our marriage knowing that he wasn’t suppose to make me happy, or whole. I knew that holy matrimony would be the greatest commitment of my life. Somewhere along the way, I lost my happiness and blamed him for it. I became broken and didn’t allow God, my creator and redeemer, to make me whole. My husband became my god and I expected him to make me whole. I gave him power that he wasn’t suppose have. Power he didn’t even posses.
I am sharing this because I want other wives to know to trust, and to trust in, God. While I do believe that being able to trust your husband is a necessary component of marriage, putting all your trust in him for your emotional well-being will leave you broken and disappointed. Even knowing this, I fell into trusting him instead of HIM.
Now, I’m in a place where I can say that I am not only committed to my husband but I am committed to this marriage—the good, the bad and the ugly. My love for him has reverted back to a genuine love. While the journey to complete healing is still in progress, being whole and undivided is a choice that I must act on daily. I’m all in.
My choice to become a wife and mother forced me to make other choices. One of which was to become an at-home mom after my first child was born. I’m thankful we made that decision because me being home enabled me to have a connection with my son to know something just wasn’t right. I wrote about my journey in The Motherhood Diaries.
Being an at-home mom when your closest friends are climbing the corporate ladder is hard—one girlfriend is the president of a division of a Fortune 500 company, another is a mortgage company VP turned college professor, and the other is an attorney with the state government. They entered into long-term relationships with and married men who’s careers didn’t require relocation for advancement. I married a collegiate coach and we’ve lived in 5 states (once he moved without us) over a twelve years of marriage. As we approach 13 years of marriage we are preparing to move to our sixth state as a family. Even if I had stayed in the workforce as an employee, it would have been hard to build the type of career I dreamed of growing up. I am finally okay with that. Dreams change.
Success is in the eye of the beholder. While I am tremendously proud of my friends, they chose the lives they wanted. I chose the one I wanted. While I struggle with missing the corporate world, they often struggle with being away from their children for work travel. “Every choice comes at a cost,” my kick butt lawyer friend said as she encouraged me when I was going through a personal loss.
Right now my goals are to be content with who I am right now. To enjoy this moment while preparing myself for things to come. I look forward to our move with hope. I look forward to our move knowing that I will be surrounded by other wives who have made some of the same choices as me. And, I look forward to growing my personal brand the way I have grown countless others over the years. Yes, as an at-home mom I worked on communications projects to keep my skills up. It’s my turn to build something for me, that not only fits into the life I chose but to support the ministry in which all Christians are called.
Praying with a Plan
Before War Room became a movie, God started dealing with me about how I used my journal. To be honest, I had stepped away from journaling. Instead, my writings became gripes, complaints and angry lamentations. I gave all of my power to other people.
Taking back my personal power and giving myself permission to accept God’s power in my life has made a huge difference in me. I can even tell that I’ve fallen of in prayer when I lose clarity. You must have clarity when walking in your purpose. Every moment is an opportunity for you to be YOU. Making time to pray—with a plan has helped me to stay on track with personal and business goals. For Christian women, having a prayer plan is the first step in self-management.
I hope you print a copy of the journal page I uploaded and use them this month as part of your prayer time. If you do, I would love to hear from you. Please email me using the contact form here.
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