This year, my goal is to find freedom in every area of my life. Outside of my relationship with God, my marriage is perhaps the most important relationship in my life. I know many of you will ask, “Don’t you have children? Shouldn’t they be the most important relationships you have?” and I’ll respond, “No”. My relationship with my husband will set the tone for how my boys grow up and treat others, especially their wives and children. Our relationship should be the first healthy relationship they see.
Back to the freedom to be happy in my marriage…
I didn’t grow up under the impression that I would meet someone who would carry me off into the sunset and we’d live happily ever after. I wasn’t pessimistic about marriage because I had a clear idea of the reality of marrying a human being. Since I am human, I know that I am an imperfect being. Marrying one I had to accept that he would be human as well. Unfortunately, my understanding of this wasn’t enough. I fell into several bouts of utter unhappiness in my relationship.
Then, I had an aha moment.
Well, it wasn’t then. It was more like a few years later—okay about 18 months ago and I’ve been married for twelve years. Instead of living in my marriage the way I knew to live based on my relationship with God, I placed all of my hopes, dreams and aspirations in my husband. Biggest. Mistake. Ever. Not because he is not a good husband but because he is not God. I married a human. I had to several things to get my happy back.
Release Unrealistic Expectations
My husband is only human so there are things he just can’t do. He can’t make me happy not matter how many diamonds, watches, cars, shoes and handbags he buys for me. However, he can contribute to my emotional well-being if I allow him. Allow him? Shouldn’t he just do that? That’s complicated. When we marry someone we marry their values as well. No matter how close you are in your value systems and beliefs, each of you will have your own journey before marriage that will contribute to how you operate in your relationship.
Most of the time people treat you how they want to be treated. However, how you want to be treated may not be the way your mate wants to be treated. This is what complicates things. For your personal well-being you must accept your mate for who he is right now. When you accept your mate for who he is you will be able to see growth when it happens. When you release your unrealistic expectations, you allow your husband to grow without your personal happiness relying on his every action.
Keep Your Business to Yourself
There will be times when you need outside support for your marriage. Go to the your pastor, a marriage counselor or some other professional to work out your personal, marital issues. Keep Momma, Daddy, Sister, Brother, Auntie, Uncle and Pookie and “nem out of your business. Why? Because when you forgive your man for whatever drama or hurt he brought to you all of those people will not only be giving him the side-eye. You will get it, too. Your family and friends will want to know “why you forgave that fool” after he has mistreated you or hurt you so badly.
Forgiveness is necessary in all relationships, especially marriage. Make sure that when you forgive your mate that no one else can hold an offense to him.
You know I’m a Bible believer. To me, Matthew 18:15-19 applies to marriage as well. If you have a problem with your husband, pray about it and then talk to him about if. If the problem is not solved, seek unbiased Godly counsel. Doing this will keep your business out of the street and keep your husband in your family’s esteem.
Eliminate Unnecessary, Drama Filled and Inappropriate Relationships
As Robert Frost wrote, “Good fences make good neighbors.” In other words, there is value in boundaries. For some strange reason we tend to draw a negative connotation to boundaries and fences. Gates were once built around cities to keep enemies out but they were also used as a meeting place for local leaders. In addition, the gates had a main door so that after a visitor had been vetted he or she could enter the city gates. Even today we have alarm systems in our houses and cars. Doesn’t it make sense to protect your relationship?
Just so you know…
These people bring no value to your life what-so-ever. These are people who pick up the phone when they need you but never have anything to offer when you need help. These type of relationships are often only mentally and spiritually draining but can also put a dent in your wallet. If value is not received on both sides of the friendship then you should let it go.
Drama Filled Relationships
Like Unnecessary Relationships, Drama Filled Relationships can be mentally, physically and financially draining. The difference in these relationships is that Drama Filled Relationships can often be ones that add value to your life or has added value at one time or another. Making a decision to eliminate these relationships can be tricky. Signs of drama filled relationships:
- you’re pulled into mess that you had nothing to do with
- you become financially responsible for something you had nothing to do with
- someone lies on you or your spouse
- you’re lied to often or over a period of time about something important
- you, your spouse or your children are put into harms way
Like I said, these relationships are difficult to break away from simply because there is or has been some value in the relationship. In cases like this you must take the initiative to manage your boundaries. Sometimes you might leave the relationship behind altogether. At other times you might work with a friend to get through a rough spot. However, you should never chose these types of relationships over your husband and family’s well-being.
In today’s society, anything goes. We’ve bought into the idea that it is okay for married men and women to buddy up with the opposite sex to the point where one’s spouse is uncomfortable. If a person of the opposite sex is okay being friends with you but not your spouse then that person is not your friend. If you are in a relationship with the opposite sex and have sexual or emotional feelings towards them walk away.
We hide behind friendship in order to fulfill our selfish wants. You know when a relationship is inappropriate when you have to move about the relationship in secret. When you do and say things to and with another person in private that you would never do in front of your spouse with that person. Let. It. Go.
I’m still going through the process of walking in the freedom to be happy in my marriage. Right now, I’m winning. I wake up each day not trying to figure out what he can do for me. Instead, I ask myself, “What can I do to please God today?” I’ve learned that if God is pleased with me and my actions, my husband and everyone else close to me should be pleased as well.
How have you Dumped the Drama in your marriage?