He is Hers, Not Yours

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lakesha womack

Last week, lifestyle blogger LaKesha Womack posted 10 Lessons Learned While Dating in My 30s. Apparently, Lesson 2 was inspired by something I wrote on Facebook a while ago:

God is not going to bless me with some one else’s husband.  I saw that posted by a friend, Makasha Dorsey, and it really struck a cord with me because I have met several married men who swear their marriage is in shambles, they aren’t happy, etc but the fact is – they go home to their wife every night.  Why should I be someone’s side chick?  Why should I want to settle?  How could I believe God would bless that?  If a guy really wants to be with you and he’s married, give him time to fix that situation and then get back with you.  You don’t want a man to leave his wife for you because chances are, he will leave you for someone else.  His integrity should cause him to want to do the right thing.

The Facebook post, which I cannot find for the life of me, was prompted by so many women bragging about married men hitting on them as well as the whole side chick is winning idea. Like many single women, LaKesha has been approached by married men who claim to be separated/getting a divorce from his wife. Often these men will go as far as saying I’m only with her because of the kids.

RUN.

God Won’t Bless You with Her Husband

These are all lies to get you into bed, or at the very least, get you to meet an emotional or financial need he has decided that his wife is not meeting. The previous statement is a loaded one, I know. Everyone in a marriage is culpable for the problems inside the marriage. However, once other people who are not friends of the marriage are introduced into the relationship dynamic the focus is no longer about the union, it is focused on the singular needs of one individual. With the exception of God and good counsel, marriage is a covenant between two people. If you single woman who becomes wooed by a married man, you are a covenant breaker. Hence, the statement in so many marriage vows what God has put together let no man put asunder [Matthew 19:6].

Why Married Men Approach Single Women

Outside of plain old selfishness, there are reasons cheaters cheat. Well, there are excuses. Short and sweet. Since I’m not a cheating man, I won’t attempt to give the excuses because it would be presumptuous. So I’ll stick with selfishness.

How Married Men Approach Single Women

As a single woman in my 20s and as a married woman in my 30s, I have been approach by married men. I wasn’t impressed. To be honest, when it happened I wanted to know what I was projecting to make this unavailable man seek me out. The attention was not flattering at all. Then I realized there was nothing special about me in the initial contact—just a pretty face in a crowd that he wanted.

If a married man approaches a single woman who he perceives to have good morals and values he knows that he has to prey on said single woman’s feminine traits.

Flattery

We say flattery will get you nowhere but in reality, new relationships start with complements. Just like a single man on a new conquest, a married man will affirm the single woman he’s after. He’ll tell her how beautiful, smart and accomplished she is. The cheating married man uses our vanity against us. Being an avid user of social media makes me realize this even more. Think about how often you read status updates from single women bragging about married, or otherwise attached, men hitting on them. Keep walking. He hit on Mary before you walked into the room (business meeting, grocery store, gate to the game) and will hit on Jane after you leave. He’s fishing. Don’t get hooked.

Need

After a married man hooks a single woman with flattery, he plays on her need to nurture and her needs in general. Most women hat to see others suffer, especially an admirer. His wife is a fool for not tending to the needs of this attentive amazing man? He knows that if he showers you with compliments, gives you attention and minimally meet a financial or physical need of yours, you will take care of him—even if it is you just listening to him berate his wife. She won’t have sex with him. She doesn’t look good anymore. She only pays attention to the kids. Maybe his wife is overwhelmed because instead of being a partner in their relationship, he spends his time with women like you—a single women whose only responsibility is to herself. He wants someone who can cater to him and him alone. That is you. That is your role.

Someone Elses Husband

Before you fall prey to a cheating married man, know that you and the woman he’s cheating on is worth more than rubies. Would you like to be tossed out with the trash if you were in her position? If you’re not careful you’ll be in her position, heartbroken or both. In most cases, cheating men don’t leave their significant others, the wife ends the relationship. So if his wife decides to stay with him (he’s not leaving her) you’ll be alone, heartbroken and trying to figure out why he left you. He left you because God is not going to bless you with another woman’s husband. And, in the words of my crazy aunt: how you get your man can be the way you lose your man. If you end up with him, you’ll inherit every problem his last wife/girlfriend had. Could you really trust him to remain committed to you?

Disclosure of Material Connection: Some of the links in the post above are “affiliate links.” If you click on the link and purchase the item; I will receive an affiliate commission. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally or believe will add value to my readers. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Makasha Dorsey is an award-winning author, motivational speaker and public relations professional. Her personal essay Diary of an Aspie Mom is included in The Motherhood Diaries (Strebor Books/Simon & Schuster). She blogs about being a writer, mother, wife, woman and Christian over at a wife in progress and has written for Absolute Write, The Midwest Book Review, Snaps1000Words, The Daily Times Leader, and ModVive Magazine. You can purchase a copy of her book First Family Secrets on Amazon.com.

23 comments on “He is Hers, Not Yours”

  1. LaKesha Womack Reply
    I love the question - what am I projecting to make this married man think its ok to approach me? I used to wonder the same thing until I realized, like you stated, they aren't very discriminating. I wish more women would realize their value and not settle for second place - or third, fourth, fifth...
    • Makasha Dorsey Reply
      A lot of women wear "he's married and hit on me" as a badge of honor. Like you, I have the same wish. However, until women realize their true value they will continue to settle.
  2. Louida (@MissLouMae) Reply
    With the media today glorifying being a side chick as a "thing to be", women are seeing this as ok. And they wonder why they end up single and heart broken all their life. Such a shame.
    • Makasha Dorsey Reply
      It is a shame. Sadly, the media gives us what we want. People are excited about side chicks coming up. What about marriages and monogamous relationships? Thanks for stopping by.
  3. marykatbpcsc45 Reply
    I project to everyone that my husband is my one and only. I go out of my way not to talk to men, married or single. I know people might think I am stuck up, but my husband was a gift from God and He is my best friend. This post is very thought provoking. :)
    • Makasha Dorsey Reply
      I like your perspective Mary as it mirrors my own. I find that while some people say they can have great platonic relationships, I've seen far too many become messy. Then the dynamics change even more when couples are married. Good fences make great neighbors.
  4. Shannon Rhodes Reply
    I love this! My husband and I are getting ready to celebrate our nine year anniversary, and in that time I have only been in two situations in which other men tried to flirt. The first time, I just kept walking, the second time I just stared at the guy, like "are you serious right now?" It's not cute and it's not fun. I know a few people that could do with reading this post ;0)
  5. Keren Charles Reply
    Great post! I so agree with that quote. I am single and dating. I usually encounter the guys with the "I'm separated" status. And I say ummm, you are still married.
  6. Alecia O. Reply
    When a woman can see herself the way God sees her she'll never settle for that mess again. Until she can see her worth and value she'll continue doing things her way. If she sees herself as a toy to be played with and put aside until another day then that's how men will treat her.
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  8. SpeakingTheRealTruth Reply
    Then there are many of us good single men out there that really wanted to find the right good woman to have a family with which God blessed so many others with that gift of life.
  9. Pingback: What energy are you letting into your life? | Fact vs Truth

  10. Kjohn Reply
    This is all so true. I experienced all this with my now ex husband who married his mistress. This article is fact I am living proof. I feel sorry for the other women who swears he is her soul mate while she was screwing him while married to me. Her self esteem is so low she said that it runs in her family. So sad. What goes around comes around. You will definitely reap what you sew.
  11. Lisa Reply
    I never really believed in any of these things but when I was losing Jackson, I needed help and somewhere to turn badly. so i ordered a LOVE SPELL. 2 days later, my phone rang. Jackson was his old self again and wanted to come back to me! Not only come back, the spell caster opened him up to how much I loved and needed him. Spell Casting isn’t brainwashing, but Dr. Todd opened his eyes to how much we have to share together. I recommend anyone who is in my old situation to try it by contacting his email at manifest spell cast@gmail.com. It will bring you a wonderful surprises as well as your lover back to you. The way things were meant to be.” contact Dr. Todd he’s very nice and great. ….. Lisa
  12. Standingstill Reply
    I've got a question, my husband went to gambling rehab and met a woman there who was married for 17 years and claims they are soulmates... I was 9months pregnant with our 2nd child. How come I can't forgive this woman and I keep praying for God to restore my marriage...
    • Mimi Overton Reply
      I have a similar situation...except the side chick got pregnant...she even knew he was my husband and she wants them to be a family... we wasn't getting back a lot of money from taxes so I know he got money from her he doesn't know I know but every since then he says his love for me has changed..our marriage of 23 yrs he is now tired of it...we were best friends and he seems to be willing to end us for her...he tells me he is having self issues dealing with his bipolar signs not diagnosed wont seek help it runs deep in his family but I believe it helps him justify his adulterous behavior...yet I love him and continue to ask God to restore our marriage and give him a new found love in his heart for me...I know God will not bless a woman with another woman's husband it seems to be going in her favor or I rebuke that devil everyday ...I pray no weapon formed against me my marriage husband and family shall prosper....I want my family my best friend..why do i want to fight for him as he has been so disloyal with no signs of integrity...
  13. Tracy Reply
    I came across your article and well my husband left me for the other woman just as you told the story here,,,,god must be blessing her they are doing well so I don't believe it to be true and there wasn't anything wrong with me I was far more attractive than she was she was fat and out of shape he didn't want me working but yet and still something wasn't right. He left me in 2011 and they are still going strong he haven't left or cheated on her that I know of he treats her better than he did me and I was the real deal christian woman proverbs 31. So God must be doing something for her she still have him...
    • Makasha Dorsey Reply
      I'm sorry that you are going through this Tracy. KNOW that God allows us to do whatever we choose. It is NOT a blessing to get with someone else's husband. You wrote "they are still going strong he haven't left or cheated on her that I know of he treats her better than he did me." You don't know because you don't live in the house with them. And, if you are a Proverbs 31 Woman then God will bless you with a Proverbs 31 man; your ex-husband was not one when you were married to him. He cheated on you and left you. The Proverbs 31 Man has honor and integrity and encourages his wife. God bless you as you move forward in life.
      • Tracy Reply
        I'm not that woman any longer, she got lost a couple of years ago. I'm not loose either but I don't attend church or read the bible after all that....to me this woman came out on the winning side in every way. Years ago she got pregnant but he never divorced me she just wouldn't give up to her he belonged to her after that and she got him. He takes care of her that are prospering in life he seems happy they aren't even married and he keeps his I guess promise ring or friendship ring on whatever you want to call it. We still talk as friends because we have a twenty year old son. I strongly feel it all worked in her favor not mine and as good of a woman and child of god as I was it wasn't fair to me at all. I just live my life the best I know how and I have troubles on every side through finance love career health home family you name it I got the problems. I have had so many people pray for me council me encourage but it doesn't help the fact of the matter is I lost a true battle in life I loved that man genuinely and unconditionally as well as god who was first. I don't know what to believe anymore because of all the hell I've been through and it just wasn't marital it's been personal and as I named up top. People change but god don't when you have been hurt and damaged as bad as I was it is very hard to believe anything anymore. I've had people pray that god would give me a hope future and expectant end for years god also say it want put more on you than you can bare. Never have he seen the righteous forsaken nor seed begging bread he will never leave you nor forsake you...well I felt he has done it all abandon me god that is because I'm stuck in a rut and have been for years trying to overcome.....
  14. Gerrie Reply
    i have one question in all this??? So why does bless this sordid union with a child if he is not going to give her the man to keep????? whats the lesson in that??? i need someone to clarify that for me....
  15. Anna Shaffer Reply
    My husband left me for a married younger friend. God Blessed then with 2 children, which I could not have. Found out I had a tumor in my brain, he did not even care. So, God Blessed them and I'm out in the cold after 20yrs married to this man.

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