I think I was sitting in church in Atlanta the firt time I heard someone say, “If you’re not changing and growing then you’re dying.” The weight of that statement has become more to me over the years as I’ve gotten older, watched my children grow from infants to little people–one is even 10 years old, and made it to my 11-year wedding anniversary. The problem–I found myself stagnant spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally. I wasn’t growing. So, I had to be dying.
Yes. I’m melodramatic. And, a lot of moms and wives will publicly shun what I’m about write, while silently rebuking themselves for feeling the same way. Oh, well. Hopefully, you will come to grips with how you truly feel just as I have. Or, you might not have felt the way I do but respect where I am in life.
My slow death started the after I said “I Do”. I stopped being me and started being his wife. I wanted so desperately to be what I promised to be that I forgot that every promise I made totally relied on me being me. If I believe what I say I believe, I was a wife before I ever accepted the engagement ring or even walked down the aisle.
“He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.” – Proverbs 18:22
I was already everything I was suppose to be the moment he decided that I was his wife. There was no need to transform into a wife because I was already one. During my trying to be a wife, I became a MOM.
When the boys came along, I felt like I was failing at my attempts to become a wife so I did what I was good at. I nurtured my babies and poured myself into them. By then, I was a wife because I was married and not because I was the wife he married.
Yes. I was suppose to grow from being the wife of his youth into the wife he could grow old with. I. Didn’t. Grow. I remained stagnant because I lost me. I lost who I was spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally. I was dying as I tried to grow my family.
Another one of my problems had to do with my spiritual walk. For most of my life, I had been conditioned to only think about sexual sins. Marraige remedied that problem. I was able to have legal sex; what more did my spiritual life need? I attended church less and less which resulted in me praying and reading my bible with less ferver than I had as a single woman. Not attending church regularly also limited my fellowship with other women who could uplift and pour into me while providing me with the accountability I so desperately needed.
I continued to lose me. Now, I’m on a journey of self discovery. I’m taking time to be me, the woman he married. I was about my business, family, spirituality and mental well-being. I miss her. Not because she was only a size 4–I don’t ever want to be that small again, my head is waaaay too big. I want to taste life again so that’s what I’m embarking on.
No. I’m not leaving my husband. I won’t neglect my children. But, I will make time for me.
I’m adding a new blog category called “Scouting Life.” Here, I will post articles and reviews about the places I find myself. I’ve moved quite a bit and have had some amazing travel opportunities. I live in Central Florida. I have no friends here. So, I’ll explore. I’ll share my journey to finding a new church home, more business, more fun and more love.
Have you lost you? Are you on a new path to self-discovery? When was the last time you tasted life?