Last night I watched Kourtney and Kim Take Miami. I know. It’s mindless reality tv, right? Well, this particular episode made me think about how we create situations where our spouses may chose to lie to us rather than tell the truth.
Scott, Kourtney’s boyfriend with whom she has two children, wanted to go racing but his girlfriend forbade him to do it. So, he called his friend and went racing without telling her. She was upset because he lied.
Before I go on, I need to preface this by saying that lying in relationships breeds distrust. However, I do believe that lies can be a direct result of how a partner may react to news or other situations.
Your mate should not be your father or mother figure and seek to control your every move. Marriage is about interdependency—where two people are mutually and physically responsible for one another. Mutual responsibility signifies that both parties are adults and capable of making sound decisions. Physically responsibility signifies that one is capable of carrying out sound decisions.
Of course every person entering into relationships should work with their mate to set realistic expectations. Normal things like I expect for you to remain faithful, strive to be a great person, be a good parent/provider/helpmeet, etc. shouldn’t be hard to accommodate. However, deciding to make decisions for another adult can be dangerous.
I often hear parents say that their teenager is smelling himself when he gets a little older and rebellious. It is a true statement. As you become older, you develop the instinct to make your own decisions and choices. It is a natural process of being an adult. You have to learn how to exercise those muscles. They don’t petrify when you get married.
When one person seeks to control the relationship and their mate, the controlling person sets breeds distrust and creates the opportunity for lies to plague their relationship. Just like children rebel, grown and married adults will rebel against their mates if they are not allowed to be adults.
So the next time your husband decides that he wants to hang out with the guys to watch a game, don’t forbid him to go. Instead, see his side. Don’t give him an opportunity to lie to so that he can do something he should be able to do anyway. He’s an adult; so are you.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
I do think that control and criticism sets the stage for lying, especially if the other spouse is intimidated or unaware of how to communicate boundaries in response. This is an important dynamic that you’re addressing, Makasha, and one that isn’t mentioned often enough in blogs. Bravo, to you, for taking it on and taking it on so well!
Thanks for stopping by.